When you buy martial arts kit, make sure you get the best. Only the shiniest satin will send out the message that you are a cold-hearted killer. You also need to be able to flex your ludicrously proportioned pecs in an understated victory dance. Only then, apprentice, will you be at one with the martial gods.
4. Teen Wolf
"Shoot it, fat boy!" implores a man who looks uncannily like a pubescent Ricky Martin. Fat boy obeys, ball meets net, and the scene is set. You know the rest: cheerleaders, crazed teen fans, slightly incongruous electropop, Michael J Fox being a boss. We wish we went to college in the USA.
3. Major League
This one's got all the tropes. There's the synth soundtrack, which threatens to be catchy but never quite gets there. There's the image becoming black-and-white and making its way onto a newspaper. There's the guy just straight-up pumping iron in his pants. There's Charlie sheen speaking in badly-dubbed Italian. OK, that last one's not a common sight in montages, but it is funny.
2. Karate Kid
Karate kid's first foe lunges in for a punch, only to be emphatically floored. Fair enough, everyone makes mistakes. But what on earth is he trying the second time?! This kind of straw man opposition is the key to the Karate Kid films: our hero and his mum think he's the best, but Mr Miyagi is secretly doing the rounds, paying off all these guys with the wealth from his booming bonsai tree business. Miyagi-san fights clever.
1. Rocky IV
I skip HARD, homies. Really, really HARD. When I do sit-ups, I do them UPSIDE-DOWN. I chop wood. FOR FUN. Pulleys are my friends. Ivan Drago may have all the gear, but I got the HEART. Show me a Commie with heart and I'll show you my GOLD-PLATED WINGS. Never gonna happen. He can use all the injections he wants. PERSONALITY don't come in syringes. Weights are for squares. I lift WAGONS. And when I scramble to the top of a snow-capped mountain to avoid the vague but undeniable threat that eminates from behind the Iron Curtain, I will raise my arms in proto-JOY. And you, you will know I am the lord.
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